Femme
New Member
Posts: 13
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Post by Femme on Aug 2, 2021 4:15:28 GMT
Dear WWNH ladies,
I am divorced and have just started dating - or at least I registered on a dating website.
I have so many questions! 😊
The most important being, how do I keep my spirits up when deep down I have this deep fear I will never find love again...
It makes me very anxious at times as I have just turned 50...
On top of that, I am struggling with a broken heart from a man that "got under my skin" without me even noticing how it happened.
He had been "making sweet eyes at me" since just before the lockdowns started whenever we were together in the same room (I visit his workplace regularly).
He's been trying to be around me, used to talk to me about different subject, but the problem for me was, I developed feelings for him I didn't understand myself, and it made me feel really awkward around him. We had known each other for over a year before I accidentally lifted my head only to see him looking directly at me and when our eyes met...Well, it felt a bit like an electric shock.
VERY intense. It never happened before with any man and was really, really confusing...especially because, as I mentioned, I had known him for a year prior to that and barely noticed him. So I called a psychic (yeah, I know!), who told me we had a spiritual connection and our souls recognised each other, but he is as confused as I am about the intensity of it all...
Long story short, he never made any suggestions to meet outside of his workplace, and I, in turn, felt uncomfortable with his "advances" (including the intense eye contact) at the workplace because I was afraid someone might notice. A bit of a vicious circle really, so I suspect I tried to be "hard headed" and decided I needed to draw a line, since my goal is to get married again some day and he is significantly younger than I am.
I started being "less available" and he noticed, because for quite a while he pulled away, only "admiring ne from a distance".
So it continued till yesterday...when I found out he is getting a job transfer and is moving across the country, far away from where we are now.
Then, 2 things happened: I felt an intense sadness but tried hiding it and acted like it didn't affect me. And also, we had the longest conversation we have ever had, because my friend (who was there with me) wanted to express her sadness at seeing him go.
I stayed with her and got involved in the conversation, too...
So he won't actually be gone until October, and I am wondering how to deal with already missing him and, well, with what feels like a broken heart 🙈
Any ideas will be welcome as I haven't found anything on this topic on the blog, even though I know "recovery is everything".
The other thing is, I am back here and on WWNH after a long pause that I used to get acquainted with FW.
I would like to change my username to one I used on Sir Guy's blog, but don't know how to do that. Would I need to create a new profile with a different email address attached?
Thank you in advance 😊
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Post by Cinnamon on Aug 3, 2021 16:12:23 GMT
Azalea - Please see my comments in blue font. Cinnamon
Dear WWNH ladies,
I am divorced and have just started dating - or at least I registered on a dating website.
I have so many questions! 😊
The most important being, how do I keep my spirits up when deep down I have this deep fear I will never find love again...
It makes me very anxious at times as I have just turned 50...
That is a normal feeling - Sir Guy's #1 rule for this is Pretty Time - looking the best every day to please yourself, not for anyone else in specific. This includes fitness, diet, hair, makeup, clothes, etc. It will help you build and keep confidence as you move in the world. As you build this confidence you will naturally start to feel better about yourself and less prone to anxiety.
On top of that, I am struggling with a broken heart from a man that "got under my skin" without me even noticing how it happened.
He had been "making sweet eyes at me" since just before the lockdowns started whenever we were together in the same room (I visit his workplace regularly).
He's been trying to be around me, used to talk to me about different subject, but the problem for me was, I developed feelings for him I didn't understand myself, and it made me feel really awkward around him. We had known each other for over a year before I accidentally lifted my head only to see him looking directly at me and when our eyes met...Well, it felt a bit like an electric shock.
VERY intense. It never happened before with any man and was really, really confusing...especially because, as I mentioned, I had known him for a year prior to that and barely noticed him. So I called a psychic (yeah, I know!), who told me we had a spiritual connection and our souls recognised each other, but he is as confused as I am about the intensity of it all...
Long story short, he never made any suggestions to meet outside of his workplace, and I, in turn, felt uncomfortable with his "advances" (including the intense eye contact) at the workplace because I was afraid someone might notice. A bit of a vicious circle really, so I suspect I tried to be "hard headed" and decided I needed to draw a line, since my goal is to get married again some day and he is significantly younger than I am.
I started being "less available" and he noticed, because for quite a while he pulled away, only "admiring ne from a distance".
It's a bit difficult to get a read on what's going on with Younger Man, and the work context makes it even more difficult. I would guess one of the following:
1. He's sexually attracted to you (flirting) but wishy washy (immature and/or only interested in sex). A wishy washy man is far from ideal material for a Mr Goodenough. A Mr Goodenough should be decisive and action-oriented. Avoid Mr Wishy Washy!
2. He's genuinely interested in you, but is cautious, and doesn't feel confident in moving forward, particularly given the work context. Your cooling off has caused him to back off.
So it continued till yesterday...when I found out he is getting a job transfer and is moving across the country, far away from where we are now.
Then, 2 things happened: I felt an intense sadness but tried hiding it and acted like it didn't affect me. And also, we had the longest conversation we have ever had, because my friend (who was there with me) wanted to express her sadness at seeing him go.
I stayed with her and got involved in the conversation, too...
So he won't actually be gone until October, and I am wondering how to deal with already missing him and, well, with what feels like a broken heart 🙈
Any ideas will be welcome as I haven't found anything on this topic on the blog, even though I know "recovery is everything".
It will help you greatly to work on the Pretty Time every single day, and also start meeting and interacting with more men. Sir Guy has a lot of information about how to go about meeting men, including a series on online dating. I would go back and read some of these articles, and the comments after each article. Your fixation on this younger man is the product of your isolation along with your imagination working in overdrive. It's natural given the current situation, in my opinion. Remember Sir Guy's rule that action cures depression - this also applies to a broken heart. Move forward in your life both with Pretty Time and with making plans for things that you want to do either on a professional level, or with free time (hobbies).
Moreover, in the weeks remaining before he leaves, I would relax and be a bit more smiley and approachable to him. If he doesn't make a move during those weeks, I would class him as a Mr Wishy Washy. But inside your mind, I would be working toward the future with regard to Pretty Time.
The other thing is, I am back here and on WWNH after a long pause that I used to get acquainted with FW.
I would like to change my username to one I used on Sir Guy's blog, but don't know how to do that. Would I need to create a new profile with a different email address attached?
Sorry but I don't know what FW is.
I will have to look into how to get your name changed - I will update you when I have the details.
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Post by Cinnamon on Aug 3, 2021 16:16:43 GMT
Hi Azalea,
If you could send me a DM with your new moniker (display name) I should be able to change it for you in the settings.
Warm regards,
Cinnamon
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Femme
New Member
Posts: 13
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Post by Femme on Aug 9, 2021 17:21:18 GMT
Dear Lady Cinnamon,
Thank you for your advice. All duly noted!
FW stands for Fascinating Womanhood, short for a book written by Helen Andelin.
I found information on it on Sir Guy's blog.
Her daughter has recently published an updated version, and she has created a FB group dedicated to discussing all things feminine.
Regarding the man, I am not sure yet which option applies, but, given his younger age, I think he is in the "cautious" category. I don't quite know how to deal with this - he seems to do what a lot of men do these days, that is, "hang out". Since we see each other regularly in this setting, once a week, and he gets to interact with me that way, it might be "enough" for him for now.I might also be too much of a challenge, especially that I do not approach him first. But, as I said before, I might have overdone it a bit because he did try to come over as much as possible and have conversations. I was just a bit standoffish because I was confused. He really does stare at me adoringly and seems to do things (again, at the workplace) to please me. The "energy" can be so intense (I suppose you would call it sexual attraction, but I think it is more than that, somehow) that I often can't hold his gaze and have to look away...
Anyway, I think your advice to be more open to him is spot on. I may have become too rigid. That is, my appearance is feminine but I tend to try to control the outcome too much, maybe?
I mean, before I really get to know a man, I decide "he is not for me", and then try to discourage him. Perhaps I'm too hasty in doing that. After all, you can't know anything about a man just by looking at him, unless he is covered in tattoos and has long unkempt hair (or maybe even not then?).
But that's where I get confused, what does "hard headed" really mean?
Btw, before I found Sir Guy, I studied a lot of other dating sites, and lots of information out there is incompatible with what Sir Guy was saying. Thus, it's a process of simultaneously learning and unlearning, for me.
Once again, thank you for pointing me in the right direction 😊
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Post by Cinnamon on Aug 11, 2021 18:56:19 GMT
Dear Lady Cinnamon,
Thank you for your advice. All duly noted!
FW stands for Fascinating Womanhood, short for a book written by Helen Andelin.
I found information on it on Sir Guy's blog.
Her daughter has recently published an updated version, and she has created a FB group dedicated to discussing all things feminine.
That's right, I forgot about that book. Great to hear that her daughter has picked up the torch!
Regarding the man, I am not sure yet which option applies, but, given his younger age, I think he is in the "cautious" category. I don't quite know how to deal with this - he seems to do what a lot of men do these days, that is, "hang out". Since we see each other regularly in this setting, once a week, and he gets to interact with me that way, it might be "enough" for him for now.
If he isn't interested in taking things further, then he is NOT a MrGoodenough. No exceptions!
I might also be too much of a challenge, especially that I do not approach him first.
You should never approach him first, that is a cardinal rule. You should only make yourself "approachable."
But, as I said before, I might have overdone it a bit because he did try to come over as much as possible and have conversations. I was just a bit standoffish because I was confused. He really does stare at me adoringly and seems to do things (again, at the workplace) to please me. The "energy" can be so intense (I suppose you would call it sexual attraction, but I think it is more than that, somehow) that I often can't hold his gaze and have to look away...
Anyway, I think your advice to be more open to him is spot on. I may have become too rigid. That is, my appearance is feminine but I tend to try to control the outcome too much, maybe?
Apart from being approachable, you cannot control the outcome. Remember, you are the buyer, not the seller. He is the seller!
I mean, before I really get to know a man, I decide "he is not for me", and then try to discourage him. Perhaps I'm too hasty in doing that. After all, you can't know anything about a man just by looking at him, unless he is covered in tattoos and has long unkempt hair (or maybe even not then?).
But that's where I get confused, what does "hard headed" really mean?
You need to review Sir Guy's articles, he goes into detail on all these things.
Btw, before I found Sir Guy, I studied a lot of other dating sites, and lots of information out there is incompatible with what Sir Guy was saying. Thus, it's a process of simultaneously learning and unlearning, for me.
Once again, thank you for pointing me in the right direction 😊
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Femme
New Member
Posts: 13
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Post by Femme on Aug 14, 2021 9:21:48 GMT
Dear Lady Cinnamon, Thank you for your advice. All duly noted! FW stands for Fascinating Womanhood, short for a book written by Helen Andelin. I found information on it on Sir Guy's blog. Her daughter has recently published an updated version, and she has created a FB group dedicated to discussing all things feminine. That's right, I forgot about that book. Great to hear that her daughter has picked up the torch!Regarding the man, I am not sure yet which option applies, but, given his younger age, I think he is in the "cautious" category. I don't quite know how to deal with this - he seems to do what a lot of men do these days, that is, "hang out". Since we see each other regularly in this setting, once a week, and he gets to interact with me that way, it might be "enough" for him for now.
If he isn't interested in taking things further, then he is NOT a MrGoodenough. No exceptions!I might also be too much of a challenge, especially that I do not approach him first. You should never approach him first, that is a cardinal rule. You should only make yourself "approachable."But, as I said before, I might have overdone it a bit because he did try to come over as much as possible and have conversations. I was just a bit standoffish because I was confused. He really does stare at me adoringly and seems to do things (again, at the workplace) to please me. The "energy" can be so intense (I suppose you would call it sexual attraction, but I think it is more than that, somehow) that I often can't hold his gaze and have to look away... Anyway, I think your advice to be more open to him is spot on. I may have become too rigid. That is, my appearance is feminine but I tend to try to control the outcome too much, maybe?
Apart from being approachable, you cannot control the outcome. Remember, you are the buyer, not the seller. He is the seller!I mean, before I really get to know a man, I decide "he is not for me", and then try to discourage him. Perhaps I'm too hasty in doing that. After all, you can't know anything about a man just by looking at him, unless he is covered in tattoos and has long unkempt hair (or maybe even not then?). But that's where I get confused, what does "hard headed" really mean? You need to review Sir Guy's articles, he goes into detail on all these things.Btw, before I found Sir Guy, I studied a lot of other dating sites, and lots of information out there is incompatible with what Sir Guy was saying. Thus, it's a process of simultaneously learning and unlearning, for me. Once again, thank you for pointing me in the right direction 😊 Lady Cinnamon, I shouldn't really be saying this since I'm trying to build myself up (with Pretty Time etc.) instead of being negative, but I have a tendency to become the seller once I can see the man is interested. Especially if after expressing his interest he then becomes somewhat wishy-washy. I never approach a man first, unless it's for work or he is already an acquaintance, but I do tend to switch gears after he expresses an interest... I don't really understand why I do this, myself, but I remember that Sir Guy wrote a few articles on how to get a woman's mind off of marriage, so I am going to revisit them, too. Thank you for helping me realise these things about myself. On another note, I have observed that perhaps church-going men tend to be more on the "cautious" side, and therefore may appear to be more wishy-washy than other men. Another difficulty is that, where I live (London, UK), the church is way less popular than in the US, from what I understand. There are literally no elligible men in my church at the moment, other than the one I've mentioned. I guess I might have to start looking into finding another church... Again, thanks for your help. How can I DM you? Femme |
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Post by Cinnamon on Sept 22, 2021 14:13:12 GMT
Hi Femme,
I do think switching from Buyer to Seller is a knee-jerk reaction for many, many women. I don't know if it's ingrained in our nature, or more a product of social engineering. If you read Jane Austen's books, the wise women practiced self-discipline, and knew how to behave. Were they going against their nature through self-discipline, or were they just better trained? I don't know the answer! I do know, however, that this distinction is at the core of what it means to be "hard headed but soft hearted."
Regarding churchy men - yes, I do think sometimes deeply spiritual men can be more cautious, and it can take them a longer time to get up the courage to ask a woman on a date. My guess is that if they are interested in prayerful Christian fellowship with you on a recurring basis, this is a sign that there might be a deeper interest in getting to know you, but that it might take time to ask you on a date. I base this on a comment made to me many years ago by a deeply spiritual and old-fashioned Christian man.
Caution and Wishy Washiness are NOT the same thing - but they can share similar characteristics. It takes time, indirectness, and self-discipline, to discern the difference.
Keep in mind, however, that a man's presence in a church environment per se does NOT mean he is deeply spiritual or old fashioned - regardless of appearances. This is true even of "church staff."
Regarding London - try Meetup for Christian Fellowship - including Christian Singles and/or Bible Study.
I hope this helps!
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Femme
New Member
Posts: 13
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Post by Femme on Sept 23, 2021 7:28:34 GMT
Hi Femme, I do think switching from Buyer to Seller is a knee-jerk reaction for many, many women. I don't know if it's ingrained in our nature, or more a product of social engineering. If you read Jane Austen's books, the wise women practiced self-discipline, and knew how to behave. Were they going against their nature through self-discipline, or were they just better trained? I don't know the answer! I do know, however, that this distinction is at the core of what it means to be "hard headed but soft hearted." Regarding churchy men - yes, I do think sometimes deeply spiritual men can be more cautious, and it can take them a longer time to get up the courage to ask a woman on a date. My guess is that if they are interested in prayerful Christian fellowship with you on a recurring basis, this is a sign that there might be a deeper interest in getting to know you, but that it might take time to ask you on a date. I base this on a comment made to me many years ago by a deeply spiritual and old-fashioned Christian man. Caution and Wishy Washiness are NOT the same thing - but they can share similar characteristics. It takes time, indirectness, and self-discipline, to discern the difference. Keep in mind, however, that a man's presence in a church environment per se does NOT mean he is deeply spiritual or old fashioned - regardless of appearances. This is true even of "church staff." Regarding London - try Meetup for Christian Fellowship - including Christian Singles and/or Bible Study. I hope this helps! Lady Cinnamon, It does, thank you! I love Jane Austen books and watch a lot of old films with my daughter (to offset the onslaught of feminism that comes at us left, right and centre). I think that ladies in those days were in a different position. They couldn't own property, so were naturally dependent on fathers and husbands, which created gratitude naturally, I think. Their only challenge seemed to be finding a good husband, but I'd say they were both well trained for that and well equipped from birth. If they failed to marry, they had the option to stay in the family home. In the meantime, they played the piano, sang and did some needlework or read books; they weren't required to find work, compete with men for jobs or stress about earning money or being the breadwinners. Some had to become teachers or governesses, but that was still compatible with the female nature. They stayed in their lane, generally speaking. This was both less stressful, in my opinion, and didn't give them the extreme independence (and a feeling they didn't need a man because they could provide for themselves just fine, thank you very much - or even for both of them) that is possible and so prevalent today. I think that women today become the seller because we have become so masculine in other areas of our lives that we try to adopt the same techniques to our love lives, too. It can be really frustrating to be successful professionally and academically but not romantically; at least that's how I feel about it. As for the Meetup idea - excellent. Haven't thought of it 😊 There are a few men on the dating app that are now asking for my number to switch to whatsapp, but I am very apprehensive. The few times I did give my number , it lead nowhere and I was left wondering what info a man can obtain about me by just knowing my mobile phone number. There are some horror stories out there on the internet. Thank you for the tips 😊 and your time. Have a great day. Femme |
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Femme
New Member
Posts: 13
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Post by Femme on Oct 3, 2021 6:31:02 GMT
Hello again, ladies 😊
This business of finding a good mate is proving hard and I thank God for Sir Guy's advice and the existence of this forum.
I know that a man should be in the seller mode in the beginning (before marriage), but what about WHAT he is trying to sell?
Here is a quote from what a man texted me on the dating app:
I'm a good kisser. Actually I'm selling you a future experience. You either trust what I say enough to try for yourself, and then you can tell me what you think. Or in the alternative you don't trust what I say and you would be best not to kiss me because it wouldn't be good. The question is whether you trust me enough to let my mouth communicate things to yours without words.
So...clearly, he is trying to sell something because he even says so himself.
But, is it a good sign he is selling a kiss?
Mind you, he never took me out on a date,and we never even spoke on the phone. We have texted a lot about faith, religion, governments (we both dislike big government), the planet, and...UFO.
He said he liked me.
I like texting with him because he is a thinker, and he cares about what is going on in the world, but he is not a leftie.
He seems reliable and apparently likes taking on responsibility (his own words).
I just don't know what to answer now.
Any tips?
I would rather he started planning to take me out and spend real time with me, instead of talking about kissing already...He isn't even my boyfriend...
What do I say?
Do I respond to try to take things in a different direction or do I let him go already?
What is your take on it?
Thank you.
Femme
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